Judgements tend to be associated with something negative in common speech today. “You are so judgemental”. “Are you judging me?”. “I feel judged”. What we have to be careful about though, is conflating hurtful and opinionated assertions (judging?) with what we might call discernment.
Discernment
Discernment is about making clear and informed distinctions between things; whether people, behaviour, objects or ideas. It is about seeing features and categories. About sorting and sifting. Framing and filtering. About separating signal from noise.
Discernment is then fundamentally about seeking insight and understanding. It is not about criticising, accusing or dogmatically insisting. And, what really matters here is your inner state — how you feel. It is your inner state that people typically pick-up on when they feel judged. The actual words you say tend to matter much less.
Do your words come from a place of peace and compassion and from a genuine attempt to understand? Or, do they come from anger, insecurity or stubbornness?
When we judge
It is often the behaviour of others that makes us “judge”. For example, assume a parked car suddenly started rolling down a hill towards you, or that a deadly snake was after you. Would you “judge” the car or snake for what happened? Not very likely. You would see it for what it is and take action. You would probably feel very differently if someone shouted abuse at you, however.
But, perhaps our reactions in difficult human situations need not be much different to the car and the snake. Perhaps, we could still recognise behaviour for what it is and take action, but without being consumed by anger or hate? Perhaps, we can be more discerning rather than judging.
Discernment and judgement are closely related
The original meanings of the words “judgement” and “discernment” are quite close. Judgement, however, implies something more definitive in the way it tends to be used. A sort of, “this is the final answer”, feeling. And, that can be dangerous.
Because, whatever answer we may have reached, we can never completely know or claim that it is the only truth. And, this is a subtle, but important point. A point whose appreciation might change how you relate to a situation. For example, by making you more open to different possibilities, or the fact that circumstances often make people behave in strange and unexpected ways.
Misunderstood
Of course, not everyone will understand you even if you really do come from a place of discernment. Ironically, you may be judged, for judging, when you were only being discerning. And, that’s okay. All you can do is be aware of your inner state and be sensitive to how your words might be received. And, if you truly come from a place of discernment, chances are that you are much less likely to make someone feel judged. It’s all about your intention.
So, ask yourself: How mindful are you of your own behaviour? How often do you use judgement vs discernment?
Did you find this useful? Leave a comment and tell Harsha what you think. You can also subscribe to his blog below, to receive more thought provoking articles.
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Harsha is a 1:1 coach and independent thinker based in London. He empowers people to find more clarity, confidence and focus in their lives — to cut through the noise, in a world so full of it. Harsha’s new book, Machine Ego: Tragedy of the Modern Mind, is now available in paperback and Kindle through Amazon.
Very simple to understand.
Great clarity…thanks
Very happy to hear, Teresa! Thanks for reading.
Yet another great article Harsha- thank you for explaining your perspective on judging vs. discerning so clearly and gently.
You are very welcome, Fajer! Glad to hear it. Thank you for stopping by again.
You are saying the difference in judging and discerning is the psychological state of the one making the observation?
This is rather tricky, is it not?
Thank you for your response,
Hi Henry,
Thanks for reading. Yes, that is what I am saying. We, humans, are the most social species on the planet with the most complex ways of life. As such, we have highly evolved abilities to pick-up subtle intentions, subconsciously if not consciously. Just think about how you can sense deception and dishonesty, for example.
In terms of trickyness, the more attuned you become to yourself — your thoughts, feelings and intentions — the easier it becomes to know what your inner state is. And, the more you become aware of your own inner state, the more skilled you will become at intuiting things in others.
Hope that helps!
Harsha
People has misunderstood me or they know what I’m saying is coming from God. So they say you judging when im just trying to help or protect from getting hurt. And yes we have to be careful when we do judge. Thanks. Happy Holiday to all…
Great explanation. I am learning that judgment is a negative emotion, a saboteur in our mind, and discernment is sage that emanates positivity. Thank you.
Thanks for stopping by, Sunil! Glad it was of use.
I enjoyed the answers and questions
Glad they helped, Zella. Thank you for reading
A friend is sending videos from a “missionary ” she follows online. Her purpose was to hear him so I would stop listening to contemporary Christian music. He breaks apart popular songs and tells from the Bible how wicked each song is. I was told to use discernment in listening to him. I did watch him but felt more attacked and concerned about my friend following him…
Hi Mae,
I listen to heavy metal and play heavy metal. When I was a kid, my neighbour who thought it was the ‘music of the devil’ was very worried about me : )
Metal makes me feel alive, I don’t care what anyone says. You must decide for yourself if the music you listen to empowers you and makes you feel good.
Harsha