Judgements tend to be associated with something negative in common speech today. “You are so judgemental”. “Are you judging me?”. “I feel judged”. What we have to be careful about though, is conflating hurtful and opinionated assertions (judging?) with what we might call discernment.
Discernment
Discernment is about making clear and informed distinctions between things; whether people, behaviour, objects or ideas. It is about seeing features and categories. About sorting and sifting. Framing and filtering. About separating signal from noise.
Discernment is then fundamentally about seeking insight and understanding. It is not about criticising, accusing or dogmatically insisting. And, what really matters here is your inner state — how you feel. It is your inner state that people typically pick-up on when they feel judged. The actual words you say tend to matter much less.
Do your words come from a place of peace and compassion and from a genuine attempt to understand? Or, do they come from anger, insecurity or stubbornness?
When we judge
It is often the behaviour of others that makes us “judge”. For example, assume a parked car suddenly started rolling down a hill towards you, or that a deadly snake was after you. Would you “judge” the car or snake for what happened? Not very likely. You would see it for what it is and take action. You would probably feel very differently if someone shouted abuse at you, however.
But, perhaps our reactions in difficult human situations need not be much different to the car and the snake. Perhaps, we could still recognise behaviour for what it is and take action, but without being consumed by anger or hate? Perhaps, we can be more discerning rather than judging.
Discernment and judgement are closely related
The original meanings of the words “judgement” and “discernment” are quite close. Judgement, however, implies something more definitive in the way it tends to be used. A sort of, “this is the final answer” feeling, akin to receiving a verdict at a court of law, or worse, at The Last Judgement (found in many world religions)! And, that can be dangerous.
Because, whatever answer we may have reached, we can never completely know or claim that it is the only truth. And, this is a subtle, but important point. A point whose appreciation might change how you relate to a situation. For example, by making you more open to different possibilities, or the fact that circumstances often make people behave in strange and unexpected ways.
Misunderstood
Of course, not everyone will understand you even if you really do come from a place of discernment. Ironically, you may be judged, for judging, when you were only being discerning. And, that’s okay. All you can do is be aware of your inner state and be sensitive to how your words might be received. And, if you truly come from a place of discernment, chances are that you are much less likely to make someone feel judged. It’s all about your intention.
So, ask yourself: How mindful are you of your own behaviour? How often do you use judgement vs discernment?
Did you find this useful? Leave a comment and tell Harsha what you think. You can also subscribe to his blog below, to receive more thought provoking articles.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Harsha is a 1:1 coach and independent thinker based in London. He empowers people to find more clarity, confidence and focus in their lives — to cut through the noise, in a world so full of it. Harsha’s new book, Machine Ego: Tragedy of the Modern Mind, is now available in paperback and Kindle through Amazon.
Very simple to understand.
Great clarity…thanks
Very happy to hear, Teresa! Thanks for reading.
Thank you so much
I’m coming from a place where I have constant judgement and punishment and need to discern why the ones doing so are doing so. In order to keep my hurt and anger in check. This helped me immensely.
You are very welcome, Jacquelyn. Wishing you strength with what you are going through.
good read
Glad it was useful.
Yet another great article Harsha- thank you for explaining your perspective on judging vs. discerning so clearly and gently.
You are very welcome, Fajer! Glad to hear it. Thank you for stopping by again.
You are saying the difference in judging and discerning is the psychological state of the one making the observation?
This is rather tricky, is it not?
Thank you for your response,
Hi Henry,
Thanks for reading. Yes, that is what I am saying. We, humans, are the most social species on the planet with the most complex ways of life. As such, we have highly evolved abilities to pick-up subtle intentions, subconsciously if not consciously. Just think about how you can sense deception and dishonesty, for example.
In terms of trickyness, the more attuned you become to yourself — your thoughts, feelings and intentions — the easier it becomes to know what your inner state is. And, the more you become aware of your own inner state, the more skilled you will become at intuiting things in others.
Hope that helps!
Harsha
I ABSOLUTELY love how you explained it all…you make it so very CLEAR!!!😘
I am so pleased to hear it, Georganna! Thank you for stopping by.
People has misunderstood me or they know what I’m saying is coming from God. So they say you judging when im just trying to help or protect from getting hurt. And yes we have to be careful when we do judge. Thanks. Happy Holiday to all…
Great explanation. I am learning that judgment is a negative emotion, a saboteur in our mind, and discernment is sage that emanates positivity. Thank you.
Thanks for stopping by, Sunil! Glad it was of use.
I enjoyed the answers and questions
Glad they helped, Zella. Thank you for reading
A friend is sending videos from a “missionary ” she follows online. Her purpose was to hear him so I would stop listening to contemporary Christian music. He breaks apart popular songs and tells from the Bible how wicked each song is. I was told to use discernment in listening to him. I did watch him but felt more attacked and concerned about my friend following him…
Hi Mae,
I listen to heavy metal and play heavy metal. When I was a kid, my neighbour who thought it was the ‘music of the devil’ was very worried about me : )
Metal makes me feel alive, I don’t care what anyone says. You must decide for yourself if the music you listen to empowers you and makes you feel good.
Harsha
I recently listened to a woman ask direct questions of a woman trying to discern her role and responsibility in an abusive relationship. the questions were so well crafted and specific but not “loaded” as though the questioner already had the right answer; they were asked to cause the person to think deeply about goals, needs, problem solving, considerations for the path forward and such, it was a pleasure to listen knowing there was no judgement but a keen desire to see the person work through the issues. Of course immediate resolution is not had but steps to be taken were considered in more light than prior. How does one go about learning this when it isn’t a natural thing to do?
Hi Barb,
Thanks for reading. The primary (invisible) skill in this process is deep awareness of your inner state — genuinely coming from an inner place of non-judgement, where your intention is to support the person to gain more clarity into their issue. Often times, the questioner does not know the answer, but is engaging in an exploratory journey with the person. What unfolds is co-created, together. And like any skill, this can be practised. Everyday life is full of opportunities to practise — for example anytime someone starts describing a problem or difficulty to you, you can become aware of how you are relating to them. Are you listening with non-judgemental curiosity or not?
The second key skill is that of ‘artful questioning’ and this too is something that will come with practice. There are certain words that tend to sound accusatory – for example, rather than ask “WHY did you do that?”, one might say, “WHAT made you choose that course of action?” (less accusatory). The words we use matter, however, no amount of artful questions will be effective if the person feels they are being judged. Your inner state is fundamental.
Hope that helps.
Harsha
I would love to read more of your articles. This has brought a clear understanding to me after Bible Study. Discernment is wisdom from God and judgement is our mind on how we want things to look like without understanding or caring. Or I’m I more confused. Please help.
Hi Inez,
You are referring to the Biblical meaning of “discernment”, which I do not know much about, unfortunately. My article refers to the meaning of ‘discernment’ as used in everyday speech.
However, it is useful to remember that everyday words may be influenced by religious usage. For example, in some cultures the word “judgement” may carry extra weight even in common speech because of its association with the Day of Judgement.
Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
Harsha
1 Corinthians 12 tells us there is a gift of discerning spirits. It is not judging it is knowing there is a difference between two or more people or things. I have only known one person who truly had that gift. He was a minister. He could walk into a room and know where each person was coming from philosophically and spiritually. I never saw him judge a person. I did see him use his gift to help people. Thank you for your post. It is quite helpful.
Thanks for sharing, Tony — very interesting indeed. Glad it was useful.