Harsha's Life Blog
400+ articles on life, career and change
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Surround yourself with the right people
Yesterday, I was at an outdoor arts and crafts market near where I live. I was noticing how the makers there, many of whom I know, were sharing ideas and encouraging each other in what they were doing. It made me realise what is possible when you surround yourself...
Personal mastery is not about control
There is an erroneous view that personal mastery is about controlling feelings and emotions. But, seeking to control only makes you more out-of-control. Mastery lies in being willing to experience ALL that you feel. By being open to all emotions, you avoid becoming a...
Jumping is always better than being pushed
Being pushed may feel easier than jumping, for example being made redundant vs quitting, or when ending an unfulfilling relationship. Outside events may certainly catalyse beneficial action that you have been avoiding. But, is it wise to rely on them? While being...
Jealousy and friendship
You can be annoyed at your friend. You can be angry at your friend. Hell, you can even hate your friend (for a brief moment or two). But, you can never be jealous of your friend. For, jealousy at root implies that you do not want the best for them, destroying the very...
Quality of your free time
One thing people often forget when they consider their jobs is how their roles affect their free time. I am not just talking about the amount of your free time, but also the quality of your free time. Your ability to make the most of it. Noticing the relationship ...
Holding the space
People often ask what ‘holding the space’ and really ‘listening’ in coaching and other therapeutic practices looks like. We may use phrases such as ‘acceptance without judgement’ to point to our commitment to receiving the person unconditionally. To receiving them...
Tempted by new gods
In a world of information complexity and so much noise, it is tempting to cling to something, anything. An idea, a narrative, an ideology. Yet, it is precisely because of the noise that we must keep an open mind. That we must embrace uncertainty, or at least...
When stress transforms into bliss
Much of what we call ‘difficulty’ or ‘stress’ disappears when the thing is of your own choosing. This is when stress transforms into bliss. Bliss that lies in walking a path — your path. To others it seems like a ‘struggle’, but to you, it is what you want. Labour of...
Showing who you are
People rarely fully reveal themselves in life. Few have taken the time to really know themselves and how they show-up with others. And, how they show-up is often the result of non-conscious attempts to fit in and win approval. For, much of our behaviour lives outside...
Soul destroying work
Even if you accept lower pay, never accept soul destroying work, or a workplace that stifles you. If doing what you love is not achievable yet, at least find something ‘neutral’ that you don’t hate. You will free-up immense creative and emotional energy. Is your pain...
Your deepest interests will be a mystery
The world is full of arresting possibilities, but few may really speak to you. In the final analysis, the source of your deepest interests will be a mystery. Yet, it is YOUR mystery, and you must choose to own it. If you don’t, someone else will choose for you. ...
The Gateless Gate
I was having a coffee locally next to an outdoor artwork of a free-standing door. A door, which if it was closed, might make you believe that your path was blocked. It made me think of how so often, we stand in our own way — how we create a gateless gate. Wumen...
Be a Giver and only work with Givers
Be a Giver and only work with Givers. That is the secret recipe where everyone wins. The recipe for creating positive feedback loops of mutual gain and growth. The hardest part though is simply staying away from the Takers. Givers To be a giver and only work with...
Trickster behind the Drama Triangle
When people discuss Karpman's Drama Triangle, they often forget the role of the Trickster, or Mothaf****r, as I like to call him. Many are familiar with the possibility of personal and professional relationships involving the mutually reinforcing roles of Victim,...
‘What to do with my life?’ is the wrong question
The question is not ‘what to do with my life’, but how to be in my life? How to be comfortable with who you are. How to be at peace with the world, how to be inspired by something. If you discover how to be, what to do will automatically take care of itself. ...
On variety and choice
When I find something that I like, I tend to stick to it. In addition to this being very good for my relationship, I've come to experience it as a great blessing in general. Paradox of choice? Variety may be the spice of life, but in trying too hard to have too much...
Dissent in your team is very informational
If you have to set rules/standards that your team does not embrace — you either have the wrong approach or the wrong people. Or worse still, both. For, the right people and the appropriate approach will automatically bring alignment. So, any dissent in your team is...
Review of Noise by Kahneman
Thought I’d do a short review of ‘Noise’ by Kahneman, Sibony and Sunstein, based on a few notes I took. Authors distinguish between system Bias (average error) and system Noise (standard deviation) when judgement accuracy is definable and desirable (e.g. medical...
Understanding does not mean inaction
Just because you ‘understand’ someone’s behaviour, doesn’t mean you agree or have to put up with it. It is precisely because you understand that you take action. So, understanding does not mean inaction. Understanding does not mean that you have to let other people...
Growth mindset?
The pace of modernity where everything (material wealth, knowledge, entertainment) is growing makes us automatically think that everything MUST grow. That the increase of things (growth) is automatically better. Such that it becomes an unconscious habit, something we...
Supporting people to grow
Supporting people to grow and supporting organisations to grow are not the same thing. While they may help each other, the former often takes second place or worse, becomes a front. And, the bigger the scale, the bigger the danger is. What is the point of just growing...
To rush, or not to rush?
As long as you feel rushed in life, you will never find ease, enjoyment or mastery in anything you do. One needs time for things to breathe and to emerge. This is the fertile void that constant busy-ness pulls you away from. Always being in a rush is a curse, and it...
Humour in coaching
When I refer to humour in coaching, I am not talking about telling jokes. Particularly, if telling jokes is not your natural style. Otherwise, you risk ending up like one of those novice presenters whose first-time attempt at humour falls flat on its face. So, this is...
The value of negative knowledge
Negative knowledge is about knowing what does not work and what to avoid. And the value of negative knowledge cannot be stressed enough in a modern world that is so full of noise. One that drowns you with a daily dose of nonsense. So, knowing what is wrong is vital,...
Shared clarity
Many difficulties in relationships, both professional and personal, arise because of a mismatch in expectations. The more shared clarity you seek then, the more chance you have of building something enduring based on trust. Foundation of trust Creating shared...
Difficult coaching client?
There is no such thing as a difficult coaching client. And, this applies more generally to other therapeutic fields such as counselling and psychotherapy. If the person has difficulties, that is precisely why they have come to you! A window The ‘difficulty’ that you...
What movie are you unconsciously living?
People are often unconsciously living out scripts handed down to them — by their parents, by their teachers, by their communities. We are all in some movie or the other, and greater awareness about this brings greater choice. Unconsciously living out scripts We are...
To have your cake and eat it
Much of life is about avoiding trying to have your cake and eat it. Trying to reconcile things that cannot be reconciled, or trying to separate things that cannot be separated. In other words, trying do the impossible. More common that you might think And, life is...
Become the best version of yourself
‘Become the best version of yourself’ is another one of those hollow, mottoes of modernity. It seems like an attractive slogan because it calls you to better yourself and to improve. However, its attractiveness soon loses its glitter when you dig a little deeper into...
Celebrating insights that challenge you
If you have an insight into yourself that unsettles and challenges you — celebrate it! It is much better to become awake to your life, than be trapped in a Sisyphean struggle. A struggle where you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Change begins...
Leadership coaching is bullshit
Much of leadership coaching is bullshit that peddles the hollowness of Hollywood dreams. It is better described as ‘how to generate false bravado and hot air in order to float into some position of authority’. Typically, this happens in some big corporate setting....
People who make you feel bad
What impact do the people in your life have on you? If someone makes you feel like sh*t why put up with it? Sometimes, we need to set-up boundaries for our own health. Boundaries that protect you from people who make you feel bad. Noticing the people who make you...
To really know yourself
To really know yourself is to notice your inner state, in the same way that a skilled painter notices colour. It is about being awake to subtle shades and shifts in your feelings and motivations. About really attuning yourself to both body and mind. And, such noticing...
Don’t be a moaner
Vent, if you need to, but don’t be a moaner. What’s the difference you ask? Venting vs moaning Venting is a releasing of pent-up feelings and frustrations that are probably better let out. Feelings that perhaps you prefer to deny and bottle-up, often non-consciously....
Wisdom is like a vaccine
Wisdom is like a vaccine. It protects against confusion and noise that prevent you from living well. And, in the way that a vaccine works against a particular disease, wisdom becomes wisdom in relation to a particular problem. However, unlike a vaccine, wisdom can...
Finding the right people
A large part of life is about finding the right people for you. The people that you would like to work with and hang out with. Who are the right people? The good news is that there is nothing intrinsically ‘right’ (or wrong) about the right people...
Coaching is a process for enabling self-knowledge
Coaching is a process for enabling self-knowledge. And, the first step in coaching involves YOU taking personal responsibility. In really taking ownership of your life. What is self-knowledge? Self-knowledge is about, you, attuning to yourself as a person and how...
Become anything you want to be
“Become anything you want to be!” — one of modernity’s mottoes — is so utterly confusing. Become anything you want to be This is the terrible advice that we so often hear being given, especially to young people. But, it begs the question: become WHAT exactly?...
When words get in the way
What is most easily articulated is not necessarily what is most important. Yet, we are often suckers for this. We can focus on the wrong things to our detriment and elevate false indicators above the actual things of value themselves. Whether it is grades above true...
Don’t decide before you need to decide
Sometimes, we can torment ourselves unnecessarily about decisions that are to come. Decisions that you expect to have to make in the future. You may ruminate and ruminate, forgetting that you don’t have to decide before you need to decide. Control There may even be...
Not being present
Insight from today’s coaching: Sometimes, it is not time spent that is the problem, but rather the quality of time spent. The problem is not being present. Cost of not being present If you are distracted and not present with people, especially your loved ones, no...
On free will and determinism
The question of free will vs determinism has confounded philosophers both modern and pre-modern. And, like most heated philosophical questions that have been around for a long-time, it is either answerable or has a false premise. Hidden assumption I will show that...
Do I need coaching?
The question of, “do I need coaching”, is one to which I will offer an unconventional answer. You may need coaching if you think you need it. Meaning, if you have something that you really want to explore, then it may help you. Coaching is not chocolate So, if...
Why change doesn’t stick
We sometimes have important realisations about ourselves, about behaviours and habits we would like to change. Realisations that could become catalysts for real personal change. Yet, much of the time, we get nowhere. Our insights are soon forgotten and life is back to...
How to overcome negative emotions
How to overcome negative emotions is a question whose answer is in the words of the question itself. For, it is in viewing certain emotions as ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ that the root of the problem lies. By creating a duality, we create a war within ourselves — a war...
Coaching is about enabling clarity
If you ask a hundred different coaches “what coaching is” you will probably get a hundred different answers. For me, coaching is about enabling clarity. Clarity about yourself and what stops you from finding real confidence and focus in your life. Enabler of...
Like a boss
It is said that King Wei of Chu (4th century BC), having heard of the sage, Chuang Tzu, sent a messenger with gifts to invite him to be chief minister. Chuang Tzu merely laughed and said: "Go away, do not defile me...I prefer the enjoyment of my own free will". He...
Anxious about anxiety
How to overcome anxiety is a question that is increasingly being asked. And, its prevalence tells us a lot about life in modernity. About how the many pressures of our competitive, urban environments can cause inner tension and worry within us. Luckily, we have choice...
Not a straight line
Many things in life are not linear. There may be a (long) incubation period before something — an idea or a skill — comes into fruition. Just as a new leaf develops for a while as a bud, before opening to reveal its form. Patience and the process In the human realm,...
Negation is not endorsement
Just because I doubt the rigour of a (negative) statement about X, that does not mean I have any (positive) view about X. Negation is NOT endorsement. Negation is negation. Yet, many seem unable to grasp this. Clinging to beliefs People are often so invested in their...